the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
