My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
