If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
