You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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