and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
