dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
