We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
