I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
