happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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