You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
