Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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