I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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