Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
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So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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