he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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