shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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