Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
