just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
