Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
