Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize