I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're a waste of cheezeits
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
