i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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