Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
