I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
