my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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