if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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