I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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