So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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