Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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