is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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