so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
