I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
