Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
