I want to stick my p in your. b.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
