wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
