you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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