Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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