I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
