i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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