Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
