Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
