im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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