I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am midnight drunk by noon
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
