Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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