Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
