He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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