I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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