paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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