so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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