you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
