The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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