I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
