dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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