People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
