Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
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Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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